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November 22, 2013
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I need to stop viewing eva-st-clare. Every time I view that site, I feel… I don’t know… melancholy. What is it? I’d like to get to know the individual pretty well, but… I feel like a stalker, almost. Am I so desperate for human interaction, for being around people much like myself, that I’m willing to stalk random folks on the Internet? Am I a stalker? Am I a terrible person for this? I wish I had an easy answer…
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:iconeva-st-clare:
eva-st-clare Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013   Traditional Artist
Ehh???  I never thought you were stalking me or anything just by commenting...

sorry that I am so backed up on notes though that i haven't been able to respond or read a lot of things people sent me in the past month.  Sometimes it's really hard for me to focus on anything and I feel guilty about being too tired or mentally distracted to properly reply to people.
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:iconc0lb0h:
c0lB0h Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2013
It's OK. When nothing is going on, I get anxious and have an unfortunate tendency to expect the worst. Don't feel offended.

It was the journal before I wanted you to see, I only made this because, well...
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:iconeva-st-clare:
eva-st-clare Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013   Traditional Artist
I'm naturally the same way and it's been hard to overcome that.     I'm better about not reacting to it now but not perfect.  :/  Sometimes I just withdraw from human contact to avoid being awkward, lol.  Not offended, I just dont want to like... come off like a jerk.  I've been antisocial lately and my head is usually spinning so I tried to stay off websites and clear it... doesn't always work, lol
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:iconc0lb0h:
c0lB0h Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2013
I know how that feels. Oftentimes, I'll want to say something, but I'll be afraid of how the person will react, so I stay silent. Other times, I'll, say, post a comment on Danbooru or whatever, and I'll think, "Oh, why didn't I write X?", and I'll end up editing the comment and adding so much to it that my original point'll be lost and unclear.

I've been told I'm very articulate, but between frequently forgetting the word I wan to say and my tendency to ramble on,  I feel like I have a hard time communicating with others, and I'll think to myself, "Why bother speaking up? No one's going to understand you anyway."

I like to think I have a lot of untapped potential, but anxiety gets in the way of pretty much everything I want to do to improve myself.
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:iconeva-st-clare:
eva-st-clare Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013   Traditional Artist
I often feel the same way as I'm very prone to anxiety, especially social anxiety.
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:iconc0lb0h:
c0lB0h Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013
Growing up, I pretty much went with the flow and did just fine, but when I started having problems in school and what not, it felt like no one would listen to me and I'd get yelled at for no reason at all, so I basically just kept to myself in my room or in a separate classroom growing up, because I was afraid of making things worse when I was trying to make things better!

I'm sure you don't want to hear me go on about the details, though...
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:iconeva-st-clare:
eva-st-clare Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013   Traditional Artist
It's okay, I understand that. I had a LOT of social anxiety in school and it made ppl assume I was some kind of freak, my friends told me that mutual people in HS assumed I was seriously abused or something at home??? (I didn't have the most awesome home life, but no one was beating or raping me or anything... it was just usual divorce and dysfunction.)  My parents also didn't take my problems seriously so I kept my feelings to myself.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was younger, and I still deal with anxiety all the time.  I'm just better at appearing to function normally or have better coping skills now, like some things that used to cripple me emotionally are things I'm able to deal with cos I'm aware of my reaction and can just stop myself from reacting so intensely to certain stimuli.  If I'm stressed out for other reasons then it might be harder for me, like I have times when I freak out in crowds of people and feel like chewing my own leg off to just get the fuck away and be alone.
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:iconc0lb0h:
c0lB0h Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013
Eh, sorry to bore you with my life story. Never mind, then.
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(1 Reply)
:iconc0lb0h:
c0lB0h Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
Although I didn't get along well with other kids in school growing up (I would always get paranoid, though in retrospect I was probably just oversensitive), I didn't mind, because I mostly focused on my schoolwork, and got mostly straight A's (I went to an elementary school in a Jewish neighborhood and took a few gifted classes).
That all changed when I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was around 10, and I was put in private schools that were meant for "problem children"; either the students were cruel, the teachers were strict, or the students were-- I swear to God-- literally retarded (in one class I was in, one student would constantly unplug the computer I was on)... and to say nothing about my parents' divorcing, me living with my dad and fearing for my life whenever he was feeling irritated (he did smack me a few times...), him falling into a depression, me becoming a cynic in imitation of him, him talking down to me like I was a moron...
...Yeah, I guess you get the idea. I always think, "how would my dad respond to this?" and the answer would always be cynical and depressing. I was still in high school when I was 20 (I decided to drop out and get my GED, which was no sweat), I haven't been able to stay in college-level courses for more than six weeks, and now I'm 23 and still living in my mom's house. I know I can do better than this if I just put my shoulder to the wheel, but I feel absolutely pathetic sometimes.
I'm getting better, though. My mom and my therapist have been very supportive, and I'm learning how to be patient with myself and learning to take a step back whenever I get stressed out over not knowing what to do (which is quite often). One day at a time, I guess.
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